52 Songs, Week 15: "Bookends/Old Friends" by Simon & Garfunkel

I suppose it is a time of nostalgia and reflection. 

Long ago, it must be... I have a photograph.  Prison your memories; they're all that's left you.

That's what I remember, when in the age of junior high, I first heard this song.  I always heard it as "preserve" instead of "prison"... which is what we do with photographs and journals and keepsakes of years gone by.  Looking this up tonight, I suppose it does, in some ways, imprison a certain version of what we remember.

Can you imagine us years from today
Sharing a park bench quietly
How terribly strange to be 70...

I'm more than halfway there, and able now to recognize the loneliness inherent in this statement.  I hope I have a friend to share a park bench with at 70. 

52 Songs, Week 14: "The Christians and the Pagans" by Dar Williams

It's that time of year, boys and girls!  Holiday season!

Many years ago - 1997? - I was driving along in my car and tuned my mind into these crazy lyrics:

"So the Christians and the Pagans sat together at the table
Finding faith and common ground the best that they were able
And just before the meal was served, hands were held and prayers were said
Sending hope for peace on earth to all their gods and goddesses"

Goddesses?  My pagan ears perked up.  What kind of song was this?

Bless you KMTT of incarnations past for pushing the envelope, for being willing to provoke, for being willing to promote artists we didn't hear anywhere else.  That song is a holiday classic now, or at least it was until they gutted the station. 

Bless you Dar Williams for writing a song about the commonality of the Christmas holiday, which is sooooo very pagan at its core.  There's room for all of us around the celebration table.

Amber called her uncle, said "We're up here for the holiday
Jane and I were having Solstice, now we need a place to stay"
And her Christ-loving uncle watched his wife hang Mary on a tree
He watched his son hang candy canes all made with red dye number three
He told his niece, "It's Christmas eve, I know our life is not your style"
She said, "Christmas is like Solstice, and we miss you and it's been awhile"

So the Christians and the Pagans sat together at the table
Finding faith and common ground the best that they were able
And just before the meal was served, hands were held and prayers were said
Sending hope for peace on earth to all their gods and goddesses

The food was great, the tree plugged in, the meal had gone without a hitch
Till Timmy turned to Amber and said, "Is it true that you're a witch?"
His mom jumped up and said, "The pies are burning," and she hit the kitchen
And it was Jane who spoke, she said, "It's true, your cousin's not a Christian"
"But we love trees, we love the snow, the friends we have, the world we share
And you find magic from your God, and we find magic everywhere"

So the Christians and the Pagans sat together at the table
Finding faith and common ground the best that they were able
And where does magic come from, I think magic's in the learning
Cause now when Christians sit with Pagans only pumpkin pies are burning

When Amber tried to do the dishes, her aunt said, "Really, no, don't bother"
Amber's uncle saw how Amber looked like Tim and like her father
He thought about his brother, how they hadn't spoken in a year
He thought he'd call him up and say, "It's Christmas and your daughter's here"
He thought of fathers, sons and brothers, saw his own son tug his sleeve saying
"Can I be a Pagan?"  Dad said, "We'll discuss it when they leave"

So the Christians and the Pagans sat together at the table
Finding faith and common ground the best that they were able
Lighting trees in darkness, learning new ways from the old, and
Making sense of history and drawing warmth out of the cold
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5x1o41DHGZI&feature=related

52 Songs, Week 13: "Sounds of Silence" by Simon & Garfunkel

It's true, I work with a lot of youth, and that helps keep me young.  Hopefully not too young or immature, but young.  Sometimes, however, they are old, or wise, or different than you think.

Working with youth can be like herding cats... they're always seeing something else they want to do, and going off in new directions.  It's kind of controlled chaos, and you have to chose at what level you want to ignore it.  Then there are the folks you can't ignore... and his name is Calvin.  Red-headed, no less.  What are you gonna do?

But there is quite a bit of depth to Calvin if you listen carefully.  This weekend, he started singing the Sound of Silence - hello darkness my old friend, I've come to talk with you again  - and shucks, I started singing along.  Why not?  It's a fabulous song by a fabulous duo. 

You can be in the middle of a crowd, or a city, and be completely, utterly, alone. 

Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
'Neath the halo of a street lamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence

"Fools", said I, "You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you"
But my words, like silent raindrops fell
And echoed
In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the sign said, "The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls"
And whispered in the sounds of silence

52 Songs, Week 12: "Walk Out to Winter" by Aztec Camera

Winter is starting early this year, with windstorms and snowstorms and lots of fun on the way.  I mentioned a few posts ago about how we can so easily transport ourselves back with songs to times in our youth.  Today's story is from 1985, almost precisely 25 years ago.  It was the week of fall conferences, and I was wandering around outside while my parents met with my teachers.  It was f*in cold, and I was wearing a plaid shirt and a blue jean miniskirt.  A few days later it did snow, some monumental amounts pre-thanksgiving, which we haven't seen from then until now. 

The song that ties then to now?  Aztec Camera's "Walk out to Winter". 

Walk out to winter
Swear I'll be there
Jill will wake you
High and dry
You wonder why

What does that mean?  I have no idea.  But goodness, I miss the 80s. 

52 Songs, Week 11: "Love and Death" by The Waterboys

Have you ever read Elizabeth Barrett Browning's poem about "How Do I Love Thee?  Let me count the ways..."  The ending lines run so:

...With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
 
At college, one of my professors gave a lecture entitled, "The Apostle Paul and The Goddess Pomona: Love As Strong As Death."  It was about the connections between the Roman goddess who named my college and the apostle who spread and grew the Christian church - that death did not divide but make them one under the golden arch of heaven.
 
A few years later my own dad died, and I learned about love and death.  Death does not destroy; death transforms.  Love is not bound by life. 
 
And then there are The Waterboys, never shy to take on all kinds of interesting topics.  This is their song, "Love and Death."
 
Behold the flashing waters

A cloven dancing jet,
That from the milk-white marble
Forever foam and fret;
Far off in drowsy valleys
Where the meadow saffrons blow,
The feet of summer dabble
In their coiling calm and slow.
The banks are worn forever
By a people sadly gay:
A Titan with loud laughter,
Made them of fire clay.
Go ask the springing flowers,
And the flowing air above,
What are the twin-born waters,
And they'll answer Death and Love.

With wreaths of withered flowers
Two lonely spirits wait
With wreaths of withered flowers
'Fore paradise's gate.
They may not pass the portal
Poor earth-enkindled pair,
Though sad is many a spirit
To pass and leave them there
Still staring at their flowers,
That dull and faded are.
If one should rise beside thee,
The other is not far.
Go ask the youngest angel,
She will say with bated breath,
By the door of Mary's garden
Are the spirits Love and Death

52 Songs, Week 10: "With My Own Two Hands" by Jack Johnson

Still somewhat con-related, it is also homage to the elections tonight... I do not understand how people can vote against their self-interest, but ... I did my part.

It is what we can do, which is to use our own two hands to make things better.  This song may be from a children's movie (Curious George) but it is part of a great soundtrack. 

I can change the world

With my own two hands
Make it a better place
With my own two hands
Make it a kinder place
With my own two hands
With my own
With my own two hands

I can make peace on earth
With my own two hands
I can clean up the earth
With my own two hands
I can reach out to you
With my own two hands
With my own
With my own two hands

I'm going to make it a brighter place
With my own two hands
I'm going to make it a safer place
With my own two hands
I'm going to help the human race
With my own two hands
With my own
With my own two hands

I can hold you
With my own two hands
I can comfort you
With my own two hands
But you've got to use
Use your own two hands
Use your own
Use your own two hands

52 Songs, Week 9: "I'll Follow You Into the Dark" by Death Cab for Cutie

Con was this past weekend, so I think I should pick a con-related song.  Sort of; this one is really from Goldmine, but it's the same group of people. 

Something I admire about Death Cab for Cutie's songs is they are no more and no less than they need to be.  When they are done, they are done.  Sometimes this makes for quite a short song, but that's okay. 

I'll follow you into the dark is about dying and still being together.  I don't believe that will happen, but I like what the song anyway. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rePcHxFJIuU

And it's great when everyone is hanging out and singing this song.

52 Songs, Week 8: "Lights" by Journey

I know it is true, but I do not know what it is about us at that time of our lives that makes it so: ask anyone about a song they associate with their youth, and a whole host will come tumbling out.  Places, people, events, emotions, longings... it is easy to call them forth.  As we pass into our mid-20s, songs still matter, but the ones we remember perhaps we associate with a specific major event (the song we danced to at our wedding) or some extreme high or low point.  The kind of everyday definition, however, I think much less. 

My freshman year of college, I lived in Mudd-Blaisdell dorm, 2nd floor, to the left.  There were some folks I hung out with first floor, center.  I was down there one night, someone was playing music, or a radio, or something, and the song, "Lights" came on.  I'd never heard it before, but the guys I was hanging around had.  Suddenly they were all singing along, and there I was, being serenaded. 

When the lights go down in the city, I'm a freshman again, discovering what it means to live on your own. 

And really, is there anything better than Steve Perry's hair? 

52 Songs, Week 7: "Annie's Song" by John Denver

Who wouldn't like a John Denver song?  Hah, don't answer that.  Yet I'll bet that even as you disparage John Denver, you'll sing along at the top of your lungs when he's on the radio.  And for goodness sakes, who wouldn't sing along to a song about their name (Annie)? 

An unabashedly cheesy and wonderful love song, Denver apparently wrote this in a little less than an hour.  Two short verses, comparing the best of nature to the best of love: 

You fill up my senses like a night in the forest,
like the mountains in springtime, like a walk in the rain,
like a storm in the desert, like a sleepy blue ocean.
You fill up my senses, come fill me again.

Come let me love you, let me give my life to you,
let me drown in your laughter, let me die in your arms,
let me lay down beside you, let me always be with you.
Come let me love you, come love me again.

Come, let me sing it to you.  Or better yet, check out someone else's vision of it. 

52 Songs, Week 6: "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

Any song that starts with whistling is usually going to be a good song.  "Home" has the added bonus that it makes you want to sing along, and it's a song that is about being joyously in love with someone else.  And that, being joyously in love with someone else, they are home.  Whenever you are with them, you are home.  That's a wonderful place to be, and wonderful song to sing.

Alabama, Arkansas, I do love my Ma & Pa
Not the way that I do love you
Holy roly, me, oh my, you’re the apple of my eye
Girl, I’ve never loved one like you

Man, oh man, you’re my best friend, I scream it to the nothingness
There ain’t nothin’ that I need
Well, hot & heavy, pumpkin pie, chocolate candy, Jesus Christ
There ain’t nothin’ please me more than you

Ahh, Home
Let me come Home
Home is wherever I’m with you

I’ll follow you into the park, through the jungle, through the dark
Girl, I’ve never loved one like you
Moats & boats & waterfalls, alley ways & pay phone calls
I’ve been everywhere with you
That’s true

We laugh until we think we’ll die, barefoot on a summer night
Nothin’ new is sweeter than with you
And in the sticks we’re running free like it’s only you and me
Geez, you’re something to see.

52 Songs, Week 5: "The Wood Song" by Indigo Girls

I'm all about lyrics, you know.  Unless it's about the drumbeat.

The Wood Song, by Indigo Girls is quite a fall song for me.  Fall is the time for gathering for me: reconnecting, celebrating, etc.  This song is about those connections: going on the journey with your friends, and all you have to bind you together is love.  It's not an easy journey, and there's no guarantees, and you have to hang on to get through.  The prize is always worth the rocky ride, however, and the journey is shaped by a greater hand of love... I can scarcely think of a better expression of how I feel about friendship and community. 

the thin horizon of a plan is almost clear
my friends and I have had a hard time
bruising our brains hard up against change
all the old dogs and the magician

now I see we're in the boat in two by twos
only the heart that we have for a tool we could use
and the very close quarters are hard to get used to
love weighs the hull down with its weight

chorus:
but the wood is tired and the wood is old
and we'll make it fine if the weather holds
but if the weather holds then
we'll have missed the point
that's where i need to go

no way construction of this tricky plan
was built by other than a greater hand
with a love that passes all our understanding
watching closely over the journey

yeah but what it takes to cross the great divide
seems more than all the courage i can muster up inside
but we get to have some answers when we reach the other side
the prize is always worth the rocky ride

chorus

sometimes i ask to sneak a closer look
skip to the final chapter of the book
and maybe steer us clear from some of the pain that it took
to get us where we are this far

but the question drowns in its futility
and even i have got to laugh at me
cause no one gets to miss the storm of what will be
just holding on for the ride


chorus

52 Songs, Week 4: When In Rome, "The Promise"

With my 20th high school reunion coming up this weekend, it seems appropriate to revisit the song that was the theme for my Junior Encounter:  "The Promise" from When in Rome.

If you need a friend, don't look to a stranger,
You know in the end, I'll always be there.
And when you're in doubt, and when you're in danger,
Take a look all around, and I'll be there.

I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say.
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be.
But if you'll wait around awhile, I'll make you fall for me,
I promise you, I promise you I will.

When your day is through, and so is your temper,
You know what to do, I'm gonna always be there.
Sometimes if I shout, it's not what's intended.
These words just come out, with no gripe to bear.
I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say.

I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be.
But if you'll wait around awhile, I'll make you fall for me,
I promise you, I promise you I will.

Junior Encounter was something we did at Bellarmine, where half of the junior girls would go for a weekend (there were encounters for boys, too) and get to know each other and in theory get closer to god, too.  The latter part didn't work so well for me, but the first part did a lot toward breaking down the walls that we like to put up between one another.

When you arrived at Junior Encounter, you stood around outside waiting while the Team finished getting ready.  There we were, somewhat awkward, trying to be cool.  They start playing the theme song - over and over and over and over.  What a great message: I'll be there for you.  Yes, the song appears a bit more romantic, but it speaks to the commitment of bad days and times when you probably don't even like each other... but being there for one another.

A peek from behind the veil

My sister took a bunch of floppy disks that we had (what are those?) and had them converted to CD where they could get loaded onto computers.  The files are from around 1994-2000.  Many of them are my dad's, who died in 1996.

I started cranking through them and opening them up the other day.  It's interesting how much writing provides a voice: so easy to hear my dad, hear his thinking, hear him talking to me.  A little wave from the other side: this person passed here, and in fact, they did leave a record of their having passed here.

One of the more interesting files is a laundry list of ideas he had to write about:

"Time is always too short and no path is long enough for lovers." Ivo Andric

Question if all thought, genius, creativity, criminality, insanity, etc. etc. are caused by certain biochemical reactions and nothing more or is there a Pattern or Plan behind it.

****Can a new 1914 come and take it all away? Is Balkanization within nations or between nations desireable? or in the long term, possible?

Can confederation work over time? Doesn't someone have to be in charge? Must there be war at the interface?

Why aren't Greek statues circumcised?

Spuds McKenzie gets pregnant.

One he clearly wanted to do, that seems particulalry appropriate today:

******Does sincerity, even fervor, justify the abandoning of DUTY?

So many more... probably a hundred stories he might have written, but never got the chance to.

Today as I drove home from Sumner, I saw two people set up with a sandwich board that said, "Pull over to impeach Barack Obama."    Nearly as I'm aware, he hasn't done anything impeachable.  More disturbing was coming up the hill to Bonney Lake and seeing another group of people with the same set up... only this Barack Obama has a Hitler mustache.  Ofergodsakes, people.  Do you think they have any idea of who Hitler is?  Do you think they get the magnitude of the destruction he caused?  Do you think they know how many people died as a result of him??  I want to ignore them, and I want to throttle them.  The disconnect from any sort of rational thought... is just down the street from me.  Geez.

52 Songs, Week 3: "Lake of Silver Bells"

I'm fond of saying there's a Carbon Leaf song for everything.  Hoodie sweatshirts?  Check.  Cars?  Check.  War?  Check.  Flying?  Check.  Trees?  Check.  Etc.  I love Carbon Leaf, and you'll see a few more songs from them as this year rolls along.

"The Lake of Silver Bells" to me is about dreaming and merging the dream into the reality.  It's about the time where you see what you want so clearly and you bring it into yourself.  The song is a kind of dare: leadership is lonely and it's often thankless; everyone is a critic, but no one wants to help build.  Yet if you dare, if you bring the real and the unreal together, you can live dangerously happy. 

The ending is the call to action: 

"You miss the place you never had
But what you need's not just the dream"

You don't get credit for having the idea; you get credit for your actions. 

"The Lake of Silver Bells" 
Float from the balcony

We ride the pine top swells
Down from the old hotel
On the lake of Silver Bells
Leading is lonely
When you make alone decisions
Leading is lonely
When you're dancing through derisions
So much left for giving
In the year of living dangerously happy
On the lake of Silver Bells

Light flickers by
A hundred suns behind the trees
Melts us in a lullaby
Our eyelids are like movie screens
And we close our eyes
And feel the warmth come into frame
We close our eyes
Until our dreams become one and the same
So much left for giving
In the year of living dangerously happy
On the lake of Silver Bells

We dance across till we drop
The bells keep time and never stop
We sleep and we wake
To muffled chimes out on the lake
We dance across till we drop
The bells keep time and never stop
We sleep and we wake
On the lake of Silver Bells

We've reached a secret place
To rest and reconcile
We close our eyes
The only change is no change for a while

We'll buy the old hotel
And we will make this place our own
And fill each room with sons and daughters
And never be alone

Looking passed the love you face
You miss the place you never had
But what you need's not just the dream
But something on the other end
Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.
You're much too fast asleep

"America is not a country that hates someone because of their religion."

Last night I got to see Eboo Patel speak. 

Okay, that's just about the worst picture ever, but I don't have much by way of control on my smartphone camera. 

Eboo spoke about Interfaith Leaders and religious pluralism.

His narrative had four parts... what leaders do; American heroes; Interfaith theology; and then how Interfaith leaders behave.  He not only delivered an inspiring speech, but a technically brilliant one.  His cadence was phenomenal.  He pace was measured, even, precise, clear; and then he would pause, or repeat and reuse a phrase for emphasis:

"People will quote this verse and that verse from the Bible

People will quote this verse and that verse from the Qu'ran

People will quote this chapter and that verse from American history..."

The shading of emphasis on chapter, the changing from one form to another, the repetion... it was masterful.

As for his speech, he took us quickly through his arguments. 

Leaders do one thing first:  get the enemy right.

The enemy is not Islam.  The enemy is extremism, wherever it is found. 

Leaders define reality.  We live in a pluralism vs. extremism world. 

He transitioned this to the story of America, that we were the first nation to be of different backgrounds and different religions, and erect a nation. 

America is based on love, not hate.  There is a history of inclusion in America.  We are part of the narrative of inclusion."

He spoke of our founding fathers - of the first Muslim congressman going to the Library of Congress and asking for Thomas Jefferson's copy of the Qu'ran.  Of George Washington, saying, "Bigotry will be given no quarter here."  Of the freedom of religion that was at the very core of our nation's founding, and even of the more modern heroes of Martin Luther King, Jr. and the voices of  inclusion.

But I'll tell you, Washington is not leading this parade.  Martin Luther King, Jr., is not in this fight.  We are the present and future heroes.  We are the ones who must write the next chapter of inclusion."

In the beginning of Islam, Mohammed was terrified of the prophecies he understood.  His wife took him to her brother, who was a Christian monk.  The brother affirmed Mohammed and said, "You are your people's prophet."

The beginnings of Islam are interfaith.

He spoke about religious inclusion: about those who see that to serve your religion means defending those who are oppressed, whether they are of your religion or not.  A Jewish Rabbi in the civil rights movement said, "The soul of Judaism is at stake in the civil rights movement."  In World War II, a U.S. minister in Poland took the money given to him by his congregation, and used it to get a group of Jews out of Poland.  a member of his congregation wrote and asked, "Why did you do that?  They were not even Christian!"  His reply was, "No, but I am." 

Regardless of your religion, to serve it means to be in service for others, regardless of who they are.

So what is it for us to do?

Interfaith leaders speak out.  They mobilize.  They stand up for others.  Intolerance is not welcome here.  In America, we don't discriminate against any religion.

It is so simple, and so true: get the enemy right.  The enemy is not Islam.  The enemy is not any single organization or single, easily labeled "other."  The enemy is extremism.  The enemy is seeing people as no more than a label, and judging based solely on that appearance.  The enemy is hatred of others.

The questions following the speech for the most part were fantastic, and Eboo such a patient and wonderful listener.  He gave respect and consideration even to those who clearly came with their own agenda; he affirmed what they said that was true and showed them that the extremism of which they spoke is precisely what he is against.  His comment was, "when you do those kinds of acts, you have walked out of religion."  Those people are no longer Muslim or Christian or other religion... they are extremists and that is what they are serving.

Do things that bring others together and serve others.  Find the words that you need to say.

One young lady said she didn't know what words to use to have these conversations.  Eboo replied with his own story.  When he was in high school, his best friend was Jewish.  This friend was targeted by some school bullies; Eboo said nothing and tried to fade into the background.   A few years later, his friend asked him why he had done nothing, why he hadn't stood with his friend.  Eboo decided that if it was because he didn't know what to say, he was going to find the words he needed to stand up for his friend.  And so this life was born.

This weekend in Florida a church wants to burn 200 Qu'rans because it is a "religion of the devil."  I am grateful to see so many political leaders speaking out and condemning this, from General Petraeus down.  The pastor in Florida does not serve God; he serves hate.  Communities are coming together to protest and to stand in solidarity with Muslims across the U.S.  I'll be there on Saturday.  It is not okay.  Intolerance is not okay; inclusion is the chapter I will write.  I will be there to Stand on the Side of Love.

I came away so inspired and so aware of the need to be active instead of passive.  Active in love, in spreading the example of love. 

52 Songs, Week 2: "This is the World Calling"

I saw a picture tonight of Mark Hamill, aka Luke Skywalker, in his early Luke days.  The photo was intended as a doppelganger of the person, and his friend had commented, "Who's that?"

:(

Hence I shall not assume my paltry cadre of readers knows who Bob Geldof is. 

Bob Geldof scored some big hits in the early 80s as part of the band, "Boomtown Rats," most particularly a tragic song called, "I don't like Mondays."  Then he fell off the charts and he spent his way into oblivion again.  Until the famine in Africa turned up as a media cause, at which point he organized musicians into "Band Aid" along with Midge Ure, wrote a little song called, "Do they know it's Christmastime?" then went on to organize Live Aid, and subsequently became Sir Bob. 

After the problem passed beyond regular media coverage and Sir Bob descended once again into semi-obscurity, his wife ran off with Michael Hutchens (of INXS), then Michael died, then his ex-wife died, and he's wound up raising their child with her half-sisters. Pretty his life ain't, but he's not run out on it yet.

So perhaps with more than small touch of autobiography he penned, "This is the World Calling."  I think of this song as a bit of a bent love letter from the universe... the universe is calling, but he's not really sure how to answer it.  The world wants you here... but sometimes it is hard to answer back to the universe and affirm that the beauty and the quiet are meant for you.

On the same album, Sir Bob has a song called, "The Great Big Song of Indifference," which is less optimistic than this one... in this one, at least, there is a struggle still going on. 

Worth a listen.

"This is the World Calling"
I hear a heartbeat

It's ringing out across the universe
It sounds so lost and lonely
Must come from somewhere deep inside of us.

And the operator says:
All is calm and all is quiet
Close your eyes and sleep tonight.
This is the world calling
This is earth
This is the world calling
This is us.

I'm on a train now
I'm moving through the yellow fields of rape*
There's so much beauty
I wished that I believed enough to pray.

Then the operator replies:
Spinning 'round
You're wrapped in blue
There's no one looks as good as you.

This is the world calling
This is earth
This is the world calling
This is us

This is the world calling
This is us
And it goes on and on.

What we're going to do because we can't go on

What we're going to do because we can't go on
Wrap me in your arms and keep me warm tonight.
What we're going to do because we can't go on

This is the world calling
this is earth
this is the world calling
this is us

This is the world calling
this is earth
This is the world calling
God help us
And it goes on and on and on.


*Eurasian plant cultivated for its seed and as a forage crop

Where I'm going

In this case, I mean it metaphorically. 

I've felt for quite a while that I've needed to be doing some things differently.  I have a great structure to my life, and that's nothing to sneeze at.  But I'm not doing as well connecting to people and finding the depth of relationship that I'm craving.  Again, there's a lot of good people in my life, and people I really care about.  But the depth is perhaps not very deep.

Cue Fall Con, where the theme is IndividUUality.  I thought it'd be a good idea to do a workshop on the Enneagram.  9 personality types; not only does it tell you what you're like now, it gives you a good idea of where you're likely to move.  In the past, I have been a 5 (Observer) and an 8 (Achiever).  For those of you who follow, I actually went from a 5 to an 8, which suggestively is backward.  But at least it is on the path.

I'd gotten rid of my old book on the Enneagram, so I decided to get a new one, ordered it from Amazon.  Came the next day.  Sweet.  This book, in contrast to the popular checklists or paired-choice tests of other books, has 9 paragraphs for you to read.  I read them, picked my top 3.  #1 was a 3 (Performer), then 5 (Observer), then 1 (Perfectionist).

This is a little weird, because in theory you shouldn't move between a 5 or 8 and 3; 3 is a triangle pattern with 6 and 9.  Fortunately, the book also tells you "If you think this is your type, here's other ones you might be."  I considered it, and didn't make a decision.  One of the notes said that 3s and 1s can be look-alike types, but a 1 listens to the internal critic, while the 3 is listening to the outer one.

The next day at work, we had a deadline around a project that I've handed off to another person.  I still feel responsible for this work, however.  I feel like if something happens on this project, I'll be held responsible for it.  So I was probably too directive on it and really needed to step out of the way more.  I recognized that very soon, and was thinking about.  Why was I doing that?  Once I realized it was because I thought I'd be blamed if something went wrong, I thought... oh crap.  I am a 3.  I'm listening to the outer critics. 

Then I thought about other areas of my life and realized how much I'm acting in reaction to perceived judgment.  For example, I tend to clean my house because I think someone else would see it and think I'm a slob.  Or - while I love working with you - I will wear myself out worrying that Con will have problems and I'll be blamed.  So I can't let it fail!  Because then someone else would say it is my fault.

And lastly I thought that I have not taken a real vacation in a very long time - since November 2008, when I went to Krista's wedding.  I went to Hawaii for a week (taking care of kids is not downtime); I spent a week at Goldmine (definitely not downtime) and even the couple of long weekends this summer I basically did all the planning for.  Next task, sure.  No problem.  Accomplish it, done.  Goal-setting, all over it. 

On the upside, people behaved very differently around me at the company picnic, so perhaps there is change in the air.  But this was definitely a wake-up about how far I've drifted and how much I need to pull back and change course.

I already let go of some things.  I do need to delegate, and I do need to trust.  I'm going to do something quite frivolous this quarter.  And tomorrow I leave on the Tour de Pizza.  This involves a long weekend, heading for the Oregon coast.  I know where I'm going, but there's room for improvisation.  Everything work-related is staying behind.  No computer.  (Okay, smart phone, but...)

I'll catch you up when I'm back.  Maybe.

Traveling... Again

Apparently I inspire others with my trips.  Knowing that a long weekend is coming up, at least three folks have asked what my plans are...so good of you to wonder.  I'm heading for the Oregon Coast.  This shall informally be dubbed, "The Pizza Tour."

Several months ago, someone mentioned to me a place called "Pizza a fetta" in Cannon Beach, OR.  I'm stopping in, night #1. 

It's not pizza, but it is pie... night #2, Yachats, OR. 

Night #3, maybe, Eugene, OR - Track Town Pizza.  Back in the day - waaaay back in the day - my dad took Jenny and Bonnie to the Olympic Track & Field Trials in Eugene.  This would be 1980, the year the U.S. was banned from going to the Olympics.  (Really, President Carter?  Reallllly?)  When I go through town, I always stop there.

Day #4 - Vancouver, WA - Vancouver Pizza.  I get to see my elementary school teacher, and this will round out the pizza experience.  Sweet.

I realized recently that I am.... entirely too goal-oriented currently, especially in terms of doing things I think others want me to do.    That's not the point.  Hence a trip with no real point.  Hence enjoying the journey instead of the destination.  A write-up once I'm back (and pizza reviews), but I'm so disconnecting for the weekend.

52 songs, week 1: "Summer Skin", Death Cab for Cutie

To really get this song, you do need to hear it. 

"Summer Skin"

Squeaky swings and tall grass
The longest shadows ever cast
The water's warm and children swim
And we frolicked about in our summer skin

I don't recall a single care
Just greenery and humid air
Then Labor day came and went
And we shed what was left of our summer skin

On the night you left I came over
And we peeled the freckles from our shoulders
Our brand new coats so flushed and pink
And I knew your heart I couldn't win

Cause the seasons change was a conduit
And we left our love in our summer skin
______

I'm not only choosing this song as my first song because it's Death Cab for Cutie, but because we're on the cusp of Labor Day weekend, the traditional end of summer.  The sun is going down earlier; the fruits and vegetables are abundant, the heat is losing its edge.  The drumbeat pounds on, pounds on, pounds on... relentless as the march of time, repetitive, rythymic, unyielding in its march to endings that are inevitable.

It ends with a sigh, it ends with a cry.  Fleeting summer, love, life. 

This song is a meditation.  It takes me deep inside.

52 songs in 52 weeks

Let me start by saying this is not my idea... I've borrowed it from the Right Reverend Thom.  However, this strikes a chord (ha!) with me for several reasons...

1) I've been flailing for anything to write about.  Or think about.  Or do besides work and stay at home.
2) I've recently discovered I have become way too accomplishment-oriented.  This is not accomplishment focused. Because...
3) Most positively, I've always loved lyrics and songs.  When I was in 7th/8th grade I kept a diary, and often times there were song lyrics in it... tape a song off the radio, play it back, play it back, play it back, try to write it all down, try to understand it. 

From the inspirational to the cheesy (I am an 80's child)... this will be interesting. 

And, in homage to the Right Reverend Thom, I think I'll start with a Death Cab for Cutie song.

August Miles

I was on track to have somewhere between 260-280 miles for the month (which would have been fabulous) until my bike threw a spoke and it took me 5 days to get it fixed.

Still, I finished up with 228, which is still more than I've ever ridden in a month. 

(I know it's the 29th, but tomorrow and Tuesday are supposed to be *quite* rainy, and I don't think I'm going to be riding.)

oooogh.

I've lost track a little bit, but June and July were rough bike riding months. I'm back on track now, at least I hope so!

If I'm tallying correctly, I'm around 550 miles, which means I need to do 225 miles each in August / September to meet my goal.

I actually rode from home this past week (37 miles round trip), so that is useful - if I can do that 1 time / week going forward, I should have no problems. In fact, if I did that and rode 1 other time on the normal route per week, I'd hit my goal. Something to think about!

Okay, I'm done now.

We've lost three dogs since the start of the year, and now Uncle Jim. My boss's mom and dad both are likely to die this year.

I know, I know, life goes in cycles, and we deal with what comes our way. But enough already, yes?

We can always look for signs, and interpret them to our favor; it may mean nothing. I was born in the same month as my dad, and the same day as my mother. My uncle jim died on the same day as my father (16) and the same month as my grandfather (july). One month (and 14 years) after my father, one week (and 22 years) before Grandpa. An interesting parallel, that.

Kwaheri, Uncle Jim; god bless you and god speed. The world is a better place for your having passed here.

The Curious Case of Suzy the Dog

Suzy was a wonderful dog. She was Dave's dog, quite young still when Dave came into all of our lives. Jenny and Dave lived in an out-of-the-way place in Winters, CA. There was a trampoline there, which Suzy learned how to jump on too. My favorite photo of the three of them is on the trampoline, all in mid-air.



When Dave got his job in Hawaii, everyone moved to Hawaii, and daily trips moved to the beach. Suzy went too, and learned how to surf. She would swim out so far, turn around, and wait for a wave to carry her back in. Afterward, we would rinse Suzy off, but with the humidity and heat, Suzy's fur was always vaguely damp and smelling of salt.



This time, the family went on Sabbatical, and moved to Bellingham. Suzy came along, nearly 14 years old now... back legs not doing so good, seemingly deaf, but man she could still pick off another dog at 20 paces. They had to fence the yard so Suzy wouldn't wander off without coming back, which happened early in the year. A neighbor picked her up and returned her.

As the year went along, it was clear that Suzy was nearing her end. Not in a drop-dead any second way, but in a, she's really getting old way. She still ate well, but her back legs betrayed her consistently and she would get stuck places. The only worse thing was trying to help her; that hurt her too.

The family was getting ready to go back to Hawaii. What to do with Suzy? The plane trip would be too much. Grandma said no, she wouldn't keep her. What do you do? They moved back to Tacoma for the last month of family visits and all before heading back to Hawaii. Suzy promptly broke a nail dragging her legs around. She would walk endlessly because she couldn't get her legs to cooperate for laying down.

The next day, she'd gone missing again. How? The yard is completely fenced. There's no way she jumped it. The family searched for her all day, finally stopping to take a swim break in the afternoon of a hot day. How long does a 14 year old dog have on a 90+ degree day?

There, under the pool cover, was Suzy.

Let me repeat... the yard is completely fenced. There's no sign of her having wiggled through any spot that she might have been capable of in her younger days. If she'd managed that, she would have crashed on the rest of the way down; there's no way her back legs handled the slope. There's no sign of that, either.

The obvious is that Suzy is gone, but I still don't get how it happened.

Suzy was an awesome dog.

I saw a firefly!

I'm in Chicago currently - and as usual, not taking any photos. Last night I was out with Grace Evans, one of my favorite people from my years of working with youth. We went to dinner, and then walked to Millenium Park. As we were about to part, I saw a wink! A little bug, blinking at me.

And I realized, I have never seen a firefly. I've read about them, but never seen one. What a lovely moment, in the middle of a city, to see a firefly. Twinkle! Twinkle!

What a beautiful moment.

It feels like forever...

Since I've done any real writing. It is now too hot for serious concentration, and I am frenetic until after next Wednesday.

I shall endeavour to write two travel logs... one for the Dungeness Spit trip, and definitely one for the backpacking to Lake Ozette.

And one an ode to Suzy the dog, who has passed on. Suzy trampolined, and surfed, and was an amazing doggy.

Sometimes you feel loved...

I've probably said this before, but when I got divorced, I was unbelievably lonely. I was regularly going to bed around 8 p.m., because I didn't know what else to do with my time. What I knew I didn't want to do was to fill the time with whatever came along, to make myself busy for the sake of being busy. I wanted to have a job, a house, a community, and volunteer work that mattered to me. I wanted to build a community like I saw my parents have a community - people you could count on and ask for help from and give help and service in return.

First of all I got my dream job, at REI. Nearly 4 1/2 years later, it's still my dream job.

I met a Pomonaite at an alumni event, and we became friends.

I bought a house. I love my house. I LOVE my house.

I re-joined up with the Unitarian Universalists. I reconnected with youth work.

A little bit later, I joined my neighborhood home owner's association board.

There was a long time in which it felt like I wasn't really getting anywhere. I was putting in the time and the effort but I felt a lot like I was doing the work and if I walked away... it would be like splashing water in a lake. You can splash all you like, but when you quit splashing, you didn't make much impact.

This past year that has really turned.

My youth group is finally rolling into taking ownership of the group themselves and running with it.

The youth leadership is pretty strong, though there's still challenges on the horizon.

My HOA... some good work done there. Feel like I'm part of the community more.

Today... Father's Day is the day my father died. Not June 20; it was June 16, but it was Father's Day that year.

My Pomona friend called me to say he wanted to be sure that I was having a good day and to thank me for being in his & his partner's life.

When I got home, a parent of one of the youth I work with IM'ed me to thank me for my work with youth.

Being at the Goldmine reunion this weekend, one of the youth said, "So... are you going to keep doing this... forever? Please?"

And I had a campout in the backyard with my niece last night, who tends to talk more bravely than she acts, but she slept the entire night in the tent with me. This morning she said, "Annie, it's time to get up!" Then she added, "We should sleep in the tent again tonight." It's awesome to be able to introduce someone to the outdoors.

Sometimes you feel lonely. And sometimes you feel very, very loved. I am so grateful for all that I have.

almost there...

...188 miles so far this month. Friday = 18 more, or 206.

On track!

And then much more... Vancouver Island this weekend. Can't wait!

More greenness...

The Trees

The trees are coming into leaf
Like something almost being said;
The recent buds relax and spread,
Their greenness is a kind of grief.

Is it that they are born again
And we grow old? No, they die too.
Their yearly trick of looking new
Is written down in rings of grain.

Yet still the unresting castles thresh
In fullgrown thickness every May.
Last year is dead, they seem to say,
Begin afresh, afresh, afresh.

- Philip Larkin

Rainforest

The forest drips and glows with green.
The tree frog croaks his far-off song.
His voice is stillness, moss and rain
drunk from the forest ages long.

We cannot understand that call
Unless we move into his dream
Where all is one and one is all
and frog and python are the same.

We with our quick dividing eyes
measure, distinguish and are gone.
The forest burns, the three-frog dies,
yet one is all and all are one.

- Judith Wright

Glowing Green

Do you know those days in Spring when the trees have leafed into their yellow-green (green-yellow) glory, the flowers are blooming every which way, and the rain drips like diamonds from the leaves and petals?

The sun cracks through the clouds and infuses the air with a green glow, crowning everything with illumination.

Alleluia! Alleluia!

Bike Update

Last week Friday I rode my bike, carrying rain gear, but no rain. Today, I took my rain gear out because it was supposed to be 65 degrees and lovely. Long around 3:30... starts raining. (It was warm - but not lovely.) Fortunately, the rain was light and stopped from Auburn on down to Algona... still had to battle a headwind, but at least no rain!

After the next 3 days of rain, I'll be back on my bike Friday, which will - just in time! - bring my monthly total to 106. (It's 88 right now.) Month 1: check! Bike-to-work month starts next Monday.

Whee!

In-destructible

My church has been busy imploding lately, with lots of name-calling, he said/she said, disrespect, and other very non-UU values. It's been great. This all culminated today in a congregational meeting.

First step forward: the original resolutions were done away with into a single resolution seeking to dissolve the board and name an interim board. This was good, because of the original resolutions, 3 were illegal by our by-laws, and the last was using a technical point to invalidate the election, but was use to censure our leadership. Yuck.

Second step forward: the comments from people were largely very civilized. Most people looked beyond the he said/she said (although many criticized the tone of recent emails). Several had very, very good observations. At least a few said they wanted to be sure everyone understood that when today was over, this issue is CLOSED. I spoke, against the resolution, and for solutions:

a) create clear website policies
b) modify the by-laws to correct current problems and future behaviors
c) utilize the healthy congregations team to correct some of the respect issues.
d) give some time for this to work

Third step forward: a new motion introduced, to require the 2009/2010 board members to go to mediation, find a way forward, and present it to the congregation. A-men. Make the board clean up the board mess.

Motion passed, meeting adjourned.

In the end, the congregation behaved and represented itself very well. In the end, the face-to-face and more structured interaction gave us a chance to talk respectfully to one another. Would that we had done so all along! We could have saved a lot of time and heartache.

Cycling update

955 miles to go. I rode yesterday and today!

My goal for April is only 100 miles. Bike to work month (May): over 200. Thereafter, we see. Good to be on my way!

The difference between my cats:

When Katja takes over a pillow, she takes mine:



When Crook takes a pillow, he takes the one next to me, so he can purr in my ear and make me pet him.



Cheers!

Down the rabbit hole...

Today:

1) I go to book tickets for me and my sister to go to Wisconsin. The two tickets, plus a rental car, are quoted at $1,003. Expedia verifies the price; I say "purchase." I get the message my card was not charged because the price changed, and my new price is $1,923 + 75 for the rental car. No, thanks, I don't think I'll purchase that.

2) I call 1-800-EXPEDIA. I figure this is a better idea than trying to buy a different ticket and getting stung again. The lady finds that if she adds a hotel for 1 night for me, the package price becomes $1,051.84. Right. I add a hotel, and the price drops $950. Who is benefitting from this racket? We review the itinerary - twice - $1,051.84. After I get off the call, I check my itinerary. There are now two. The hotel (for 3 nights) + flight is $1,065; the car rental is $75, or a total of $1138. My second bait-and-switch of the day. Nice job, Expedia.

3) I send an email. They can't do refunds via email; please call.

4) I call after I get home from work. The woman says she can rebook the package for the right price. Then she realizes I have two itineraries, one for the flight/hotel, one for the car. Oh, she says, I can just cancel the hotel reservation for you (since I didn't need it anyway). The airplane fare is fixed, and I will get a $238 refund for the hotel. My total bill - flight + car rental - is now $900. Note: the prior travel agent I talked to said I could not cancel the hotel.

Please explain to me what part out of any of this makes any sense? Is the travel industry really this screwed up now, where they try to gouge me for $950 that I later wind up getting for $150 cheaper than the original quote, because I ADD services? Or is Expedia figuring that if they don't raise the price until you're ready to purchase, you'll go ahead and buy it anyway?

Shopping at Expedia today was like shopping at a used-car lot: you have to watch out for how you're going to get screwed.

A journey of 1000 miles...

gets done one day at a time.

I set myself a goal of riding 1,000 miles between April 1 and September 30. This is actually quite a reasonable goal, but now it's out there, and I gotta do it!

Kathy & I rode yesterday, which was 18 miles. 982 to go!

Kudos / Scary

I don't know whether to be pleased or ashamed by my Macy's bill. I have a $383 (current) balance with them. As I went to pay the bill this morning, I noticed it gives the balance, minimum payment due ($13), payment due date. Below this it has a "minimum payment warning."

"If you make no additional charges using this card and each month you pay only the minimum payment, you will pay off the balance shown on this statement in about 10 years." (my emphasis) "And you will end up paying an estimated total of $823."

"If you make no additional charges and each month you pay $15, you will pay off the balance shown on this statement in about 3 years and you will end up paying an estimated total of $541. (Savings = $282)."

Okay, so first of all: if you don't get why paying the minimum is a bad idea, then let this guide you.

On the flip side, somewhere the math is wrong... I don't think the minimum payment goes below $10. Just doing the straight math, paying $13 twelve times a year for 10 years is $1560. Even accounting for a lower minimum payment as the balance goes down, it's higher than $823. The second calculation seems correct: $15 X 12 X 3 = $540.

Regardless, friends, let this be a beautiful moment of a retailer that is explaining the danger that is using your credit card to buy things you can't afford.

A Thought

I'm on the hunt to get cushions made for my new furniture that is coming in the next week. Here is how things have gone:

1) Talked to a boat company that my mother used to get foam for a cushion she had. They are open on Saturdays only by appointment. I called to see if I could make an appointment. "Why don't you call back on Friday afternoon to see if I'll be here? If I have a boat or something in, then I would be around."

I'm so glad I'm not sufficiently important to merit being worthy of an appointment. I looked up some other options.

2) An alterations company. The woman who answered didn't speak much english, but said they couldn't do what I wanted.

3) A home-based business. I guess. Answering machine left no identifying infomration. Click.

4) A upholstery company that had quite a nice web site and appeared to do what I needed. I called the phone number on the site. "Hi, this is Michael. Uh. I'm sorry I missed your call, please leave your name and number and I'll return it as soon as possible."

To be fair, the name of the company is Michael's Custom Upholstery. But nowhere does he mention that in his answering machine message. Again: is this a real business? So I filled out a contact form online. Had a call back later. He used caller ID to do it: hadn't looked at his web site yet.

Gah.

Had a reasonable conversation with him, but I cannot BELIEVE the going rate for labor to make a cushion. These particular cushions aren't all that difficult - they're basically a squared-off bag. The first place I talked to: $95 /hour for labor. Michael's: $82/hour for labor. Holy cow!

5) I called the original boat shop to see if I could buy the foam and fabric from them, as I figured I can find the labor less expensive elsewhere. "Hello?" (Again: Please tell me who you are. You are a business. Identify yourself as such!) After I asked him about the possibility of buying just the foam and fabric: "Ummm.... I guess so." I explained that the labor was really quite expensive. "Do you know Joann's fabric?" Well.... yes. But I was trying to avoid the labor cost, not the material cost.

Folks, if you have a product you want to sell, please provide information about your business such that others may understand who you are. Provide contact information about your business. Ensure your answering message, if you are not available, clearly identifies who you are. When asked a question, answer what the person is asking.

I am frustrated because my need for clarity is not being met. I would like for people who do business to clearly communicate with their customers. Are you willing to give that to me?

"It's a small world, after all..."

About 10 days ago, I had a presentation with a team out of Chicago. As people were gathering and we made small talk, someone asked about the weather in Chicago.

"Beautiful, but it might snow this weekend."

I chimed in that my mom was in Steven's Point, to which I heard the surprised reply, "What's your mom doing in Steven's Point?"

"Visiting family."

"My family is from Steven's Point!"

I said - jokingly - we were probably related. Josh replied it was possible: his grandfather had 21 children by three different wives.

In subsequent emails, we traded family lineages. He talked to his mom this weekend: "She says Dr. Stanley delivered all of my grandma's children." (my grandfather) Dr. Stanley and Dr. Jim, actually, but Dr. Jim would have been a little young for those deliveries.

Last name, Wierzba. Silly me, I thought that might be identifying enough, but not in SP - both my mom and my uncle said, "Wierzba? There's thousands of those." Ah well. But Uncle Jim did remember the family.

My grandpa delivered Josh's mother. What are the odds?

Kudos to Rep. Roach

Well, I still wish I'd had an answer to my budget questions as to what his plan is, but it's a personal and thoughtful reply, and points out some things I didn't know, so kudos to my rep for responding:

Anne-Marie,

Thank you for your comments. I didn’t know that you worked for Pete. I worked for him briefly a number of years back on the King Co. council.

Regarding the budget – generally we (republicans) would offer our plan on how to balance the budget. However, this year we decided not to. It was apparent well before we began session that Republicans were not going to be a part of budget negotiations. (We are outnumbered 61-37 in the House and 35-17 in the Senate).

Our budget writer actually has a budget proposal that would balance our budget without raising taxes. He has decided not to reveal it however, because none of the ideas he has proposed over the last couple of years have been considered. So you have to ask yourself, “why put a budget out there, that does make some tough cuts, when it will not be considered?” You know politics – the media and special interests would get a hold of it and take the focus off the real problem of living within our means.

The Governor also offered a balanced budget at the beginning of the year, so we know it’s possible.

The thing that bothers me the most right now is that things are so out of balance. It happened on a national level when Bush and the Republicans ran the place, and it’s happening now on a state level with the Democrats running the place.

I am the ranking minority member on the transportation committee. Transportation has traditionally been a bi-partisan issues. Can you guess how many of my party’s ideas have been adopted over the last two years? Zero. I’m not complaining, I’m simply saying that things are completely out of balance.

Dan

Letter to My Legislator

I got an email from my representative today, and he said he wanted my thoughts. His email explained why he voted against the current Washington budget plan and all the reasons he disliked it. He said he wanted to hear from us in the next few days before the legislature approves a final tax-and-spend budget. This is my reply.


Hi Representative Roach,

I do appreciate the thoughts you've sent along in your email.

I am not fundamentally opposed to the taxes being proposed. I do not see taxes as an evil. I see taxes as ways in which individuals contribute to their community to share the burden of a common infrastructure. I have been disheartened to see continue Republican opposition to any taxes, and that their only seeming proposal is to cut taxes, continuously. On the other hand, I do not agree with Democrats that raising taxes is the only right step. What I feel is that taxes pay for services and projects, including our roads, our schools, social services, and a number of other vital services that keep people going when they need help.

What I would like to know is what the budget looks like. From my days of working as an admin for then-Senator Peter von Reichbauer, I recall that social services was a huge portion of our budget, as was education. Here is something that would help me:

- What is the size of the budget, in dollars?
- How is that money being allocated?
- Within each area, what are key programs that are receiving money?

I absolutely feel that government is inefficient and that there are ways to save money. However, I also know that government endeavors to serve all, and that government provides a lot of good to this state and to this country. We have two options: we can cut SPENDING (not taxes) or we can raise taxes.

When you have thoughts on how you would like to cut SPENDING to keep the budget down, and can show me how that would serve our state reasonably, I'd love to hear the proposal. Until I have a better sense of where costs can come down, I have to assume that you, and other legislators, are doing what you can to hold the budget down during this biennium. So if it takes raising taxes to make that work, well, then, I applaud the Democrats for being honest about that and doing what they have to do.

Please provide me with your ideas on how you intend to make this work, and not just how you intend to oppose the Democrats and tear them down. I am SICK of politicians ripping aparts plans while offering no solutions themselves. And I am absolutely, positively, sure that I am not alone in my sentiment. Tell me how you're going to solve the problem, and I'll listen.

Yours sincerely,

---

How To Wave a Flag

A week ago I was in Vancouver, BC to see the Czechs play the Russians in men's hockey. Having lived in Prague for 2 years, I felt quite obligated to root for the Czechs (and hoist a pivo or two). I had looked for a flag here in the States, but too late to get one. Fortunately, the flag vendors of Vancouver obliged and had flags at the ready when we were heading into the stadium.

I found it is not quite so easy to wave a flag. One must do so slowly and majestically, or the flag will get all tangled up and look quite stupid. Back - and forth - and back - and forth. Slowly; let the flag wave. The Russians not only had it down, they had super-sized their flags:





Undoubtedly it helped them en route to their 4-2 victory over the Czechs.

A grand and glorious day, regardless of the loss, and I learned how to wave a flag.

Question #5: How am I called to Heal the World?

How am I going to use my gifts in my world?

What in my neighbourhood is there that I can work at to improve the quality of life for all beings?

How can I get support to continue the energy to help others?

How can I bring my gifts to the world, my congregation, and my life?

"If you're walking down the right path and you're willing to keep walking, eventually you'll make progress." - Barack Obama

All religions, arts, and sciences are branches of the same tree. All these aspirations are directed toward ennobling man's life, lifting it from the sphere of mere physical existence and leading the individual toward freedom." - Albert Einstein

"I have learned, that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet wiht a success unexpected in common hours." - Henry David Thoreau

"For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven;
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;
A time for war, and a time for peace."

- Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

What is my faith? - Answer

Now this is an interesting question!

What do I believe in?

I believe in people. I believe in their goodness. I believe that how we behave changes how people behave.

I believe in universal energy. There is a great cosmic force that I can tap into, that I can give my energy to, and I can ask for help from. You may call this some form of God; you may pray and put forth your intention and ask God for help. I don't choose to call the universal energy god, but for all intents and purposes, it's the same thing.

I believe in our interdependence. I am responsible to the universe for my actions.

I believe that we are one with the universe when we love, when we give of ourselves, when we give because we have a need to give, and not because of what we'll get back.

When we are not this way, we are not evil; we are just not part of the universal love.

I rely on others to get me through each and every day, and I am grateful beyond words for those who have guided me and helped me and still help me. I am learning, learning, learning, and the older I get the more I know that I don't know.

I am forever indebted to my parents, perhaps most of all for having the goodness to put up with me. It must be quite a miracle to want to put up with us while we're growing up. There is a trust there with my family that far exceeds any other relationship that I have. The unconditionalness of that love is what the universal energy means and what faith is to me. I don't have to see it to know it is there; I can believe in my family always and forever and without reservation.

In an odd sort of way, the Goldmine week offered this same sort of protection, this same sort of love. There's an unbreakable bond there, with the community. It's an amazingly powerful love to feel and to carry with you as you go through life. It is definitely the presence of Love and the Universe.

For strength, I probably look mostly to myself. Even those I trust I have a very hard time relying on. To admit weakness or stupidity is so hard for me...

I have faith in my life, that it will work out how it should. Even when it is hard; those have often been the times I've learned the most. Life offers us lessons as we can learn them... or at least we recognize what it's been trying to teach us at that point.

Question #4: What is my faith?

What do I trust?

What experiences have taught me to trust?

Where do I look for strength and encouragement?

How do I celebrate my life and experiences?

What do I trust in that does not require explanation?

What has earned my unconditional trust and faith? Why?

"I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck all the marrow out of life. To put to rout all that was not life and not when I came to die, to discover that I had not lived." - Henry David Thoreau

'The farther we go, the more the ultimate explanation recedes from us, and all we have left is faith." - Vaclav Hlavaty

Why am I here? - Answer

What is my purpose?

I'm here to look after the place. To give more than I get; to be a net contribution to the world. That the world is a little better at the end of my day. Yeah, you gotta pay the bills, but you better be doing something to give back.

What am I doing with my life?

At 25, I was upset with myself for not having done anything yet. Before 30, I vowed I'd be into something, and that something was the Unitarians. That's been good to me, and it has changed me in all kinds of ways.

I want to do more locally, however, specifically here in Bonney Lake... I need to get more involved and find out how I can help.

Think globally, but act locally... look after the place within my sphere of influence.

What would the last chapter of my autobiography look like if it were already written?

In the last chapter, I am old and others are taking care of me. I've grown enough in wisdom that I am letting them, and I'm okay with it. We all do need help, and it's okay to receive it.

In the chapters before that, I got a lot of stuff done. The PNWD youth leadership becomes the envy of the UUA because of my facilitation, and we still have youth cons because we've managed to maintain a sacred community of trust with the youth. I worked with and helped a variety of national leaders, and I can say I knew them when. I might even have helped them on their way.

In my neighborhood, I helped create several neighborhood parks, making Bonney Lake the envy of the surrounding areas, especially Puyallup's south hill.

I'm a beloved wise woman, a community pillar, someone who left a lasting impression on the culture and history of an area.

And I have several very spoiled cats.

What will I do with my gifts?

I'm for what the gates to my college say:

"They only are loyal to this college who departing bear their added gifts in trust for mankind."

Everyone on this planet has the responsibility to give more than they take. EVERYONE.

I will bring my gifts in service to others. I will do what I can to make the world better instead of worse.

Question #3: Why am I here?

What is my purpose?

What have I been doing with my life?

What would the last chapter of my autobiography look like if it were already written?

What will I do with my gifts?

"The aim of life is to live, and to live means to be awake, joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely awake." - Henry Miller

"What we are really looking for is not the meaning of life, but an experience of being alive." - Joseph Campbell

What is good, right, and true? - Answer

What is good, right, and true?

I think this goes back to my idea of God. God is love. When we love, when we give of ourselves, we are part of God. When we don't, we are not evil, but we are not a part of the universal spirit. We cut ourselves off from the connecting, loving, pulsating energy of the universe.

The good is working for that community, for that universal spirit. I'm reminded of the Walt Whitman quote: "the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse." You can add to the spirit, or you can diminish it. (To take from it is different: we all have times when we need to receive rather than give. To diminish it is something else.)

It's where I'm going, and how I like to look at things: be someone who solves and who contributes. Don't complain until you've tried to fix something. Look for how you can turn a situation around and make a connection. See if you can find a way to be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle: you can make it worse, or you can make it better.

For me, this is an uphill battle. Still, I want to be someone who adds something to your day, someone who makes you feel better because you ran into them. That's the ideal, anyway... I know I don't live up to it, and might never, but that's where I want to go.

My measuring stick, then, for what is good, right and true is whether it helps or hinders. Does it make the world better, even in a small way? Does it solve a problem, or create one? Does it come from of love?

I suppose this may come across as unbelievable naive. So be it. I will set my course to love.

Question #2: What is good, right, true?

What values and authorities do I respect and why?

Who do I consider a role model?

What examples do I follow?

Do I base my ethical choices on rules, culture, consequences, or something else entirely?

Does human evil exist, and if so, how?

How could I change the world to be a better place and what do I already do?

What do I believe about ultimate authority, God(s) and/or Goddess(es)?

Who has the power to decide truth?

"Become aware of what is in you. Announce it, pronounce it, produce it, and give birth to it."

- Meister Eckhart

"To be enlightened is to study the universe,
To study the universe is to be awake to all things,
To be awake to all things is to forget the self,
To forget the self is to find the self,
To find the self is to swim in the pool of awareness,
To swim in the pool of awareness is to discover others,
To discover others is to get rid of all your greed,
To get rid of all your greed is to respect everything,
To respect everything is to start back in the pool of awareness,
To start back in the pool of awareness is to find you own way,
To find your own way is almost to be enlightened, but not quite."

- R.J. Newman

Who Am I? (Answer)

I am a flower. I am currently unfurling.

I have been more like a hedgehog, curled up tight into a ball, putting the prickly side out and keeping everyone at prickle length. Or perhaps I am a flower in early spring, still shut tight against the cold, but willing to open when the warmth comes again.

I am a product of so many influences, but mainly the example of service: to one's community, family, friends, work, the greater world. I have learned the "success is never final and failure rarely fatal" - the world gets a little better when we put our best selves into it, and there will always be more work to be done. Being a steward is not work that ends; vigilance and care-taking are lifelong projects, not one-time efforts.

It fills my heart when I do something that matters. Service fills my primal longings, to give of myself, and to create something more than myself. To me this is the greatest gift we can give, and the best legacy to create.

My religious journey has always been about the actions rather than the words. I do not care by what name you call your god, or even if you have one. I do care how you act toward others. C.S. Lewis, in The Last Battle, had tremendous influence on me... he has a scene where he explains that the name of god is not the important part. Even when I was young - around that age of consciousness, say maybe 11 or so - I started moving away from the Catholic learnings of my childhood. My god does not condemn people for whether they've checked the right boxes... in fact, the spirit does not condemn at all. My universal spirit is simply a being of love, and love has no desire but to fulfill itself. Love is sufficient unto love. When we're apart from that, we may indeed be in hell, but it is not because someone else assigned us there.

I have been so timid in my life, and so desirous of doing more, being more radical, having a bigger heart, an activist, Sister Hand Grenade of Love. I don't know if the work that I'm doing is enough. It has its moments, but shouldn't my life be an example too? Will I someday make the leap of faith to something radically different? It is within me. I do not know if it will someday be without me.

Something I love about myself more recently is my focus on the good, the positive. So much of my life has been spent being sarcastic, picking things apart... easier to be a critic than a doer. I am ever grateful for the time I've spent with the UUs, with the awesome leaders, and with the magical, magical youth that are there. I have learned so much about acceptance, about assuming good intentions, facilitating... it has made me a much better person. It has made me a more realistic person, helping me see myself more clearly and my failings in such a way that I could deal with them and make them better. I see how people view me differently... I'm still training myself to see myself as I am now, and not as what I was.

Of this I am sure: I will not quit seeking in this lifetime. I do not claim to have The Answer(s). Truth is everywhere, and in many forms, and I have many blinders yet to remove to see more of it. If my life were in the major arcana of a tarot deck, I would still be relying on the teachers. And yes, I am The Fool. And the Queen of Swords.

Question #1: Who am I?

What is my identity?

How am I shaped by my culture?

gender?

Activities?

Family?

What do the things I really enjoy in life say about who I am?

What experiences and beliefs have shaped my life journey so far, and where am I going?

"to be nobody but yourself in a world that is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle that any human being can fight." - e.e. cummings

"...each of us is here to discover our true self... essentially we are spiritual beings that have taken manifestation in physical form. We're not human beings that have occasionaly spiritual experiences... we're spiritual beings that have occasional human experiences." - Deepak Chopra

"A certain day became a presence to me; there it was, confronting me - a sky, air, light: a being. And before it started to descend from the height of noon, it leaned over and struck my shoulder as if with the flat of a sword, granting me honor and a task. The day's blow rang out, metallic - or was it I - a bell awakened, and what I heard was my whole self saying and singing what it knew: I can." - Denise Levertov

The Credo Writing Project

At Goldmine, one of the most sacred parts of the day is credo writing time. Each day, the youth have two hours to tackle a topic of some depth and work out what they think about it. The idea is that as part of a spiritual discipline, one should spend time frequently examining what they believe. Maybe not daily, but have some kind of ritual or spiritual practice that you do routinely.

Recently, one of the Goldmine grads suggested a Credo Week. Not surprisingly, most of us don't make this a priority. I'm taking part, and will post it out here... compose it out here, actually. For anyone following along, I encourage you to try it as well, whether today or at some later point.

Thoughts about credos:

Every day this week, you will write a bit about credos.

Go someplace where you are comfortablle. Under your favorite tree, in your most comfy chair, anyplace where you think best.

Stay here for however long you need or have. It doesn't have to be a big chunk of your day, all you really need is 15 minutes. Fifteen minutes is not too much out of your day, and will be totally worth it in the end. Of course if you have more time, that's great too.

If you so choose, you can post what you have written. I know I am always interested to hear of people's credos, and other people will be too I am sure. Of course, this part is completely optional. It is okay to participate even if you are uncomfortable sharing your thoughts.

This is only for a week. For now we'll start with the week. Then you can decide for yourself how much you like it, and if you want to keep doing it.

Everyone is welcome to participate. In fact, please do. And please tell other people who might be interested.

What is a credo?

The word in latin means "I believe." But Credo also refers to things, ideas, beliefs we are committed to. It means what we stand for, the stuff that gives our lives meaning.

Having to write a Credo each day makes "spiritual practice" easier. Often we have so much to do each day that we don't make time to think about our beliefs, let alone discuss them with friends. At least here, you'll have the chance to practice the spiritual discipline of writing about and considering religious ideas - your own and other people's.

Your Credo can be written, painted, drawn, or sung. The goal is to reflect on the topic in a way that is helpful to you.

There are no right answers! Only ideas, conceptualizations that are "somewhat adequate for now."

Don't worry if it doesn't seem perfect. It's yours, and that's great.

Each day I'll post the question, and I'll post my answer, what feels right for me at this moment.

in which Annie has a hissy fit

I don't own a TV, and I don't want to own a TV. But every two years, for 16 days, I wish I had a TV. Yes, the Olympics: always one of my favorite events. And wow, how cool, it's in Vancouver. My time zone! Cool! I can watch everything live, it's all right there! No horrible tape delays, it's live!!

Oh. No. No, it's not. The Network TV (does it really matter which one?) won't show it until 9. So if you're on the east coast, you get to see it live, but if you're on the West coast - where it's happening - you get a 3-hour tape delay.

Pardon me while I go beat my head against a wall. You want me to sit through 3 hours of crap from my local news stations to get through your commercial-riddled, crappy commentary show, just so I can watch my beloved Olympics?

You do realize, you're not helping sell TVs or put more money in your pocket, don't you? But having overpaid for this Olympics, NBC, not to mention having to pay off Conan O'Brien and that whole debacle, I guess you really better squeeze every last dollar out that you can.

What did I do? I left and went home. Turned on the computer, and got a live stream off the internet. Remember that NBC: it's not a monopoly anymore. There are options! But don't worry me about me; I'm still the minority. For now.

Thirty-frickin-eight

I'm not really complaining. This birthday actually underscored to me that I have a lot of people who love me and that my life is really very good. Three days of parties: my own, with friends; dinner at mom's with family; and today at work, with Cynthia's scones. I have a few extra for breakfast tomorrow. Oh so good!!

I've written about this before, but I feel like I'm on a plateau, a bit. I feel more like I know what I'm doing, so I don't have to work as hard to do it. The problem is, that's not true. Any time you quit caring about something, when you just mail it in - you go downhill. I think it's particularly true for me, because when I work too quickly (which I like to do: check the box, it's done!), I tend to be careless or uncritical of what I've done. Then I get nailed and I think, oh yeah, I did forget to do some key points.

How do I get out of this? One point is to be humble. I have a lot of skills, but in another way, I'm not that good. I do have to pay attention each and every time to do well. There are people who are brilliant and who can do something in their sleep; I am not one of them.

The other action is to challenge myself, so I stay engaged. I'm having a hard time starting this, however... a number of interests, but none so passionately that I can move off of start.

This week we did a personality styles inventory at work. As it turns out, darn near my whole team is ISTJ. Most of us were near the line on the E/I (Extrovert/Introvert); we had a couple ESTJ as well. (I'm coming back to the above, I swear.) What I was recognizing as I went through it was how hard it is for me to get the energy to start. I don't like going to parties, but once there, I have a good time; I don't like starting thing, but once into it, it goes well; I can be terrified of beginning, until I realize it's really not that scary. So there's lots of options, but nothing that's compelling me to pick it. Hmm. What to do?

On the upside, this is the time of year when I have the most money to play with. I'll get a bonus this year, and a tax refund. I make a long, long list of everything I'd like to do, and then start winnowing it based on what I can actually afford. Hence there is money to go with opportunity, but what matters enough to want to spend it?

Nice problem to have, for sure.

The World Around Me

I realize I haven't written in quite a while. I'm waiting for someone else to write something. I guess I could be that someone.

It was a lovely holiday season. Christmas was spent with family up in Bellingham. We were all together for the first time in a few years. The kids are getting bigger and way more fun. Mahina and I went geocaching - not very successfully, one for four; but I think we can do better next time. :) Still, she's a good walker, and a fun person and she is smart and funny and original. She love Mary Poppins, so she comes out with these totally anachronstic expressions. "Mahina, would you like to watch a movie?" "Of course I would, if you please." She was excited to help make dinner - Timbalo on one hand and French Silk Pie on the other - but in truth really only enjoyed the chocolate (French Silk) pie. Good call.

New Year's was out with friends - many of the same crew that were at last new year's, crammed into Nate & Charles' little apartment... this year at Nate's brother's townhouse, which was a bit easier to move around in. It was a really easy-going party... at midnight we popped poppers, and then all went back to hanging out.

Around that, work was quiet, the weather was reasonable, and I think everyone got a bit more sleep than normal. Made this past Monday a bit brutal, but that happens every year...

Today I was working from home, and a random person with an envelope came up to my door. He handed me a flyer - a neighbor who is out of work, going door-to-door offering his services - auto mechanic and light handyman... makes me horribly sad. I might actually be able to create enough of a junk pile to have him haul it away, esp. if I clean out my shed.

On the other end of life, while it was not a great year for retail, we did hit our sales plan for the year. And given the economy and the ability to make a deal, we did really well in terms of gross margin. So we will be getting a bonus this year. I can now dream about what I'd like to do with it, although that will later be tempered by reality.

I feel like I'm about ready to start new things. This is exciting. Stay tuned.