Where I'm going

In this case, I mean it metaphorically. 

I've felt for quite a while that I've needed to be doing some things differently.  I have a great structure to my life, and that's nothing to sneeze at.  But I'm not doing as well connecting to people and finding the depth of relationship that I'm craving.  Again, there's a lot of good people in my life, and people I really care about.  But the depth is perhaps not very deep.

Cue Fall Con, where the theme is IndividUUality.  I thought it'd be a good idea to do a workshop on the Enneagram.  9 personality types; not only does it tell you what you're like now, it gives you a good idea of where you're likely to move.  In the past, I have been a 5 (Observer) and an 8 (Achiever).  For those of you who follow, I actually went from a 5 to an 8, which suggestively is backward.  But at least it is on the path.

I'd gotten rid of my old book on the Enneagram, so I decided to get a new one, ordered it from Amazon.  Came the next day.  Sweet.  This book, in contrast to the popular checklists or paired-choice tests of other books, has 9 paragraphs for you to read.  I read them, picked my top 3.  #1 was a 3 (Performer), then 5 (Observer), then 1 (Perfectionist).

This is a little weird, because in theory you shouldn't move between a 5 or 8 and 3; 3 is a triangle pattern with 6 and 9.  Fortunately, the book also tells you "If you think this is your type, here's other ones you might be."  I considered it, and didn't make a decision.  One of the notes said that 3s and 1s can be look-alike types, but a 1 listens to the internal critic, while the 3 is listening to the outer one.

The next day at work, we had a deadline around a project that I've handed off to another person.  I still feel responsible for this work, however.  I feel like if something happens on this project, I'll be held responsible for it.  So I was probably too directive on it and really needed to step out of the way more.  I recognized that very soon, and was thinking about.  Why was I doing that?  Once I realized it was because I thought I'd be blamed if something went wrong, I thought... oh crap.  I am a 3.  I'm listening to the outer critics. 

Then I thought about other areas of my life and realized how much I'm acting in reaction to perceived judgment.  For example, I tend to clean my house because I think someone else would see it and think I'm a slob.  Or - while I love working with you - I will wear myself out worrying that Con will have problems and I'll be blamed.  So I can't let it fail!  Because then someone else would say it is my fault.

And lastly I thought that I have not taken a real vacation in a very long time - since November 2008, when I went to Krista's wedding.  I went to Hawaii for a week (taking care of kids is not downtime); I spent a week at Goldmine (definitely not downtime) and even the couple of long weekends this summer I basically did all the planning for.  Next task, sure.  No problem.  Accomplish it, done.  Goal-setting, all over it. 

On the upside, people behaved very differently around me at the company picnic, so perhaps there is change in the air.  But this was definitely a wake-up about how far I've drifted and how much I need to pull back and change course.

I already let go of some things.  I do need to delegate, and I do need to trust.  I'm going to do something quite frivolous this quarter.  And tomorrow I leave on the Tour de Pizza.  This involves a long weekend, heading for the Oregon coast.  I know where I'm going, but there's room for improvisation.  Everything work-related is staying behind.  No computer.  (Okay, smart phone, but...)

I'll catch you up when I'm back.  Maybe.