Upside, mostly.

Today I finished the main body of radiation - the "whole breast" treatment part. I have 6 booster dates left, where they just target the area that actually had the tumor. So that's a major relief.

I suppose it's disgusting and no one really wants to see it, but I was trying to figure out if I could take non-revealing photos of my skin. Earlier today I thought it looked like a pig... mottled, vaguely snout-like... it's okay, people, you can laugh. It's interesting, because my tech made the comment that my nipple was really sensitive - and yes, it did change colors before the rest of me - but it totally hasn't hurt. There's only one real area that's been tender (under the arm) and a little very tiny bit under my breast. Hence I'm extra glad for being done... they haven't gotten that bad yet. And now most of it can start healing up. Seemed like the tech thinks my skin looks pretty bad, but honestly, based on what they described I thought it would look way worse. And my doctor seems pleased, but I think that's because it looks like what he expects... he's pleased with his craft, rather than my experience.

Something that is weirding me out completely is the total silence from so many people. I wonder if I have done this to others? But it seems bizarre that if I send out a note saying, "yay, I'm done!" no one would say, "Great! Fabulous!" It's seems weird that when I got done with surgery, there were a few folks who couldn't be bothered to wish me well. What the fuck, people? I'd hope they'd check on me at any rate, but barring that, if someone purposely contacts you it seems only polite to reply to wish them well. I'm giving the benefit of the doubt that people are trying to be sensitive and not say the wrong thing or not bother me or what have you, but WTF, people, WTF? I'm not dead and I'm not dying and if physically I'm not up to something, I'll let you know. Otherwise, don't worry about it.

Anyway. Mom and I are going out to dinner tonight to celebrate and there just might be a glass of wine in my future.

Hitting the wall

I managed to do pretty well keeping fatigue at bay up until this week. Saturday night I went out with some friends, went to bed about 11 p.m. and slept til after 7. I woke up still feeling totally flat, which isn't normal on the weekend. I bailed on biking, feeling that 35 miles was just going to be too much. Monday I felt like I was slogging through water: having a really complicated report to work on didn't help much, but I just felt overall slow.

Tuesday I pretty much hit the wall. I was agitated and restless; I couldn't think and was getting progressively frustrated; and I started crying as soon I got into my one-on-one with my boss. I've always wondered if that completely alarms them: "Holy shit, that's not normal!" This at least had some warning and wasn't totally unanticipated, but still.

Carolyn and I (god bless her) traded some work so I can have the low-thinking stuff that I can still handle right now.

I still slept poorly last night (how can you be so tired and so unable to sleep?) and woke up at 4ish this morning. I think I slept a bit longer, but it's the kind of sleep where you're aware you're asleep, so it's not very good. I felt okay this morning but after sitting through a presentation from 10-11 I was exhausted again. I had already planned to work from home tomorrow and Friday but came home and took a 2-hour nap today as well. I feel functional at the moment. That's a good thing. The cats sacrificed their mid-day nap on the couch for a mid-day nap on the bed, keeping mom warm. It was hard, but they managed.

I'm definitely cranky. Above and beyond the treatment, this hasn't been a positive experience with the office that's administering the radiation. I have 5 treatments left for radiation and then it looks like 7 treatments of an "electron boost" that's to the scar site. Well, that's deep enough the office I'm working with can't do it, so I have to go to St. Francis for these last treatments. The timing works out to be done on 6/6 (hey, if it was d-day for Europe, it's good enough for me). But there's logistics to go through. I told them I'm done on 6/6. I'm not cheating the treatment, but this is harder psychologically than it is physically and I'll be damned if I'm going past 6/6. It should all work out, but I don't have a lot of confidence in this place. Well, I see the doctor Friday and we can discuss it then.

Ah well. Tonight I'm going to a movie and tomorrow night out with mom to a trivia contest.

Good news and bad news

It's Friday, May 16th. Today was bike-to-work day, and it was in the 80s. Wow. Phenomenal. I managed to do about 70ish miles biking this week. It's not a lot, but it keeps me on my goal for 200 miles for the month (I'm at 122 overall) and after being really tired on Monday and Tuesday I feel much better. So all that's good.

I feel like I got good news/bad news today. Within the last few days I'm noticing the redness of my breast... skin reactions a-comin'. This coincides with the half-way point and I think is very much in the normal range overall but still the more days you go the less the reaction will be. I still have 3 weeks left, so while right now things are minor I also find myself thinking, "ACK!" I'm trying very much not to anticipate trouble, but as for telling someone not to think of an elephant, one finds it hard to think of anything else.

On the upside, I keep in mind that the "whole breast" treatment is, in fact, 5 1/2 weeks, which means I have 5 to 8 treatments left, which sounds a lot better than another week and a half to me. Thereafter I get an "electron boost" to the main, cut - the scar area - for an additional week. I'm not sure how it all works out, but at least I can focus that the overall area is no more than 8 treatments from being done. That feels pretty good. Of course, I overheard a guy talking today about having 17-20 treatments and I thought, "If I had 20, I'd be done today." But surely he's not being treated for breast cancer.

All in all, I can't wait for this to be done.

And on the upside, it's official that I have August 22 - September 21 and November 10 - 18 as my leave now. That'll be fabulous. Looking forward...

Jakub, we hardly knew yeh

Last night was a farewell to my co-worker across the aisle from me, a Czech guy named Jakub. He's been with REI only 10 months but is moving on to Atlanta... something about the weather up here, which makes little sense to me when you consider Atlanta is muggy as hell and gets hurricanes and tornados... but whatever.



Anne-Marie, Jakub, and Nate... looking pretty normal...



Jakub wondering what Nate is doing to him and if he should be worried about it.

Czechs are always good for beer-drinking with - highest per capita consumption in the world - so we went out last night to say our farewells.

Happy trails, Jakub!

Impressive Bureaucracy

File in under complete idiocy:

After several attempts to correct my doctor's office incorrect billing of me, with no satisfaction, I am going guerilla on them. I am talking to a lawyer, which may simply result in a nasty-gram; I am filing a complaint with the Better Business Bureau; and I'm contemplating taking them to small claims court, once I figure out if you can take someone to court you don't want money from. Heh.

Yesterday I filed the complaint with the BBB. Today I get a reply from them, telling me the case is being processed. The complaint is addressed not to Newcastle Medical Clinic, but to Barbara Clark, MD. There's no doctor by that name at the clinic; there are several other offices in the building, but there's no Barbara Clark. I email them, thinking perhaps they screwed up the manager's name (Barb Newton) and try to explain the matter. I get this reply (really):

"We take complaint against business entities not just certain individuals at a business and that happened to be the name on there. For our records we do not change them until we receive information in writing or from the business directly. If you the complaint goes to the wrong person they will send it back and we can get the correct information from them. The process for this is standard we have to receive information from them that it is not the correct contact. Please be patient it will get to the right place. If you have any questions please feel free to contact me."

You're kidding me, right? They're deliberately sending this to the wrong person, and will get it returned, prior to being able to pick up the phone to call them and verify that I'm giving the correct information?? I'm filing a complaint against an organization, and they are deliberately filing it wrong because their records are wrong and therefore that must be right?

Excuse me, I have to go beat my head against a wall now.

Song (and flowers) of the soul

"Love of my life,
I am crying, I am not dying
I am DANCING
Dancing along in the madness,
there is no sadness
Only a song of a soul."

- Cris Williamson

Today at church we sang this song (Song of the Soul). Not to get all churchy on people, but I've spent a lot of years leaving Catholicism behind me and I have a lot of problems with going to church, because, well, it's church. I disliked it for years, and that's a hard habit to discard. But I have to admit that I every time I go to UU church, I enjoy it. I always take something away from it. And I cry more in church than I do just about anywhere. There's a peace there that allows me to relax enough to let many things touch me. We're in between ministers at the moment, and today our layperson gave a talk about a 10-day silent retreat she went on. I don't know that I could do it - but it sounded amazing. And it challenges me, challenges my boundaries. So it's a great experience... what's wrong with that? I hope that today a little more of the wall fell away. If I'd designed a religion, it'd be the one I'm in, so that's a great thing, no?

Anyway, singing the above... gives me some inspiration for this week as I try to get through more days at the machine:

I am crying, I am not dying
I am dancing
dancing along in the madness, there is no sadness
Only a song of the soul.

This is my very being and I will dance.

As for the flowers... there's no doubt that April was damn cold and spring is way late. I overheard a couple people at church today - one talking about walking the Wonderland trail this summer (all the way around Mt. Rainier) in July, and the other guy replying he didn't know if it'd be passable at that point, there's a huge snowpack. But down here in the lowlands, in the last week the (usually mid-April) cherry trees have exploded; tulips all over; magnolias in high fragrance; the lilacs are in bloom; the grass is greeen green green... I feel like I can breathe again. Even the cold mornings means mid-40s and 60 is no longer an impossible high. I've felt very color-starved lately, so seeing all the gorgeous, showy raucous joy of spring has been a major balm.

10 down

23 to go.

Never have the weekends seemed so blissful.

Energy, energy, energy. Happy memories take me away and make me smile even while it's happening. I imagine things healing and becoming whole. Focus on the positive, focus, focus, and hope it helps me get through this more easily.

So far... not a problem. But it's cumulative, so after it's over can (will likely) be worse than during. Just what I want.