Who Am I? (Answer)

I am a flower. I am currently unfurling.

I have been more like a hedgehog, curled up tight into a ball, putting the prickly side out and keeping everyone at prickle length. Or perhaps I am a flower in early spring, still shut tight against the cold, but willing to open when the warmth comes again.

I am a product of so many influences, but mainly the example of service: to one's community, family, friends, work, the greater world. I have learned the "success is never final and failure rarely fatal" - the world gets a little better when we put our best selves into it, and there will always be more work to be done. Being a steward is not work that ends; vigilance and care-taking are lifelong projects, not one-time efforts.

It fills my heart when I do something that matters. Service fills my primal longings, to give of myself, and to create something more than myself. To me this is the greatest gift we can give, and the best legacy to create.

My religious journey has always been about the actions rather than the words. I do not care by what name you call your god, or even if you have one. I do care how you act toward others. C.S. Lewis, in The Last Battle, had tremendous influence on me... he has a scene where he explains that the name of god is not the important part. Even when I was young - around that age of consciousness, say maybe 11 or so - I started moving away from the Catholic learnings of my childhood. My god does not condemn people for whether they've checked the right boxes... in fact, the spirit does not condemn at all. My universal spirit is simply a being of love, and love has no desire but to fulfill itself. Love is sufficient unto love. When we're apart from that, we may indeed be in hell, but it is not because someone else assigned us there.

I have been so timid in my life, and so desirous of doing more, being more radical, having a bigger heart, an activist, Sister Hand Grenade of Love. I don't know if the work that I'm doing is enough. It has its moments, but shouldn't my life be an example too? Will I someday make the leap of faith to something radically different? It is within me. I do not know if it will someday be without me.

Something I love about myself more recently is my focus on the good, the positive. So much of my life has been spent being sarcastic, picking things apart... easier to be a critic than a doer. I am ever grateful for the time I've spent with the UUs, with the awesome leaders, and with the magical, magical youth that are there. I have learned so much about acceptance, about assuming good intentions, facilitating... it has made me a much better person. It has made me a more realistic person, helping me see myself more clearly and my failings in such a way that I could deal with them and make them better. I see how people view me differently... I'm still training myself to see myself as I am now, and not as what I was.

Of this I am sure: I will not quit seeking in this lifetime. I do not claim to have The Answer(s). Truth is everywhere, and in many forms, and I have many blinders yet to remove to see more of it. If my life were in the major arcana of a tarot deck, I would still be relying on the teachers. And yes, I am The Fool. And the Queen of Swords.